Tuesday, September 30, 2008

FIHL Stresses Fire Safety


Walsh invents new fire alarm

New fire alarm "foolproof" according to inventor

Blacks Harbour, NB - Matty Walsh said it's time for people to start fires in their woodstoves and it's time to look at fire safety more closely. He's invented a contraption that he feels will revolutionize the industry. Walsh noted, "It doesn't cost a lot, but who wouldn't want to see something like this under their Christmas tree? It's something functional, yet it can save your life. It gets two birds stoned at once."

Shane Smith Ratz Rookie Card up for Sale

Expert say Smith Rookie Card expected to bring in big bucks
Shane Smith with Ratz at the BIG Show
Moose Lips, AB - Shane Smith said he never expected the Ratz to turn on him. He said, "I know Walsh is a shyster. I know Harris worse. I just didn't expect Taylor or Stevens to pull a stunt like this. Somebody will get a smuck in the mowth and a boot in the guts when I get back home. I have been looking for that rookie card for years. I signed it, it's mine."
Ratz team officials , through a press release, said, " We feel for Smith and the pain he is feeling, but we are focused on winning a championship and do not wish to step back into somebody's glory years. We wish him all the best in his future endeavours. Love, peace and hair grease."

Ratz Solidify Position as World's #1 Industrial Hockey Team

Ratz Announce "Final Piece to the Puzzle"


Jason McFarlane returns to Ratz lineup after years


Bonny River, NB - Joe Stevens said that to call the signing of former Ratz standout Jason McFarlane "the final piece to the puzzle," may be an understatement of mammoth proportions. Stevens, just returning from moose season celebrations took time out for reporters. He said, "This is obviously a great day in Bonny River hockey. Last week it was Scottie Leavitt and this week it's J-Roc. I must applaud the VP of Player Development Mark Taylor for outdoing himself once again. J-Roc used to be on the BIG line with Taylor when he was with us before, but as with a lot of things, there's no guarantees."

Stevens shows off Ratz access to cash

Ratz woodstove at Team Headquarters









Where did all this crap come from?????

Where did all this crap come from?
Ratz fan reaction to latest signings

Fundy Industrial Hockey League All Stars

It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Charlotte County: Summer and Hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Fish Bowl as fans in all of Charlotte County rejoice. The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.

In fact, there are seven teams and managers across Charlotte County who spent the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the October dawn of a new season.

Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Twisters' and 'XXX,' but don't be fooled; FIHL hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following elite player categories in the heart of Charlotte County just to name a few.

The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a funky team. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired team-mates, wild team parties and even wilder women. Most effective, however, is free hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the District 10 title, otherwise know as the prestigious Fish Bowl. This option has yet to work for Matheson and clan. Same result for Taylor and his prestigious St. Stephen boys.

The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the pants and socks of his junior or high school team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job or sitting around collecting poggy. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. 10 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome to the FIHL kid.

The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for Mavis, even though his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, Mav Dawg can be an effective player, especially if he's having a wily day -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Greg Groom -- now there’s a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Ratz. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.' It’s rumoured he may even be missing a chicklet or two.

The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up . Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time. The FIHL is home to several of these freaking guys.

The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.

The Complete Psycho
I am scared to name names but these guys are good for a few giggles and FIHL highlights . . . from afar. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.

The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend
A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games, tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never miss another game.

The Fat Guy
The guy that has no lace in the front of his pants but miraculously his pants stay up because it took 2 guys to get them over his ass, he offers $20 to anyone that will tie or untie his skates, he gets winded when forced to tie his own skates, really likes to let clappers go from anywhere on the freeze under any and all conditions no matter what, his helmet sits on the very top of his head because he sports an orange bandana and no he is not from St. Stephen. His equipment smells like a small animal crawled in his bag took a sh*t and then died.

The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes), then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Lakewood fitness center'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team. Of course, Taylor is exempt from this. Every goal he scores is just banother chapter in the history books.

The Tough Guy
Beware, the FIHL is home to many tough guys, they maxed out at the house-league level, have never been in a fight and are characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player whom he knows won’t bite back. The fact that the FIHL does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 PIMS in the East Cost 3 years ago, in other words … don’t hassle the Hoff and don’t look at mean Jean.

The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.

Corporate Guy
At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a nice corporate government job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room it's Party time & latest tales of banging broads and the good times. Pre-Game beers and smokes, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his team-mates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the bar or camp, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk ready to party on and rock hard.

And last but not least please remember … If at first you don’t succeed, you're not a f***king Kingfisher !!!

Message from the New President

Message from the PresidentFIHL President Betty Lou Thelma Liz Perkins meets with Press
Blacks Harbour, NB - The face may look familiar, but there's an entirely different agenda for Betty Lou Thelma Liz Perkins this year. Yes, she was the lady that was romantically linked to many of the Fundy Kingfishers in the past few years, but now she's taken over the reins of the league. She noted, "I ain't showing no favours. Anything Matty and the boys and me had going, ain't gonna get in my way now. As sure as my bingo dabber is red, I'm gonna in particle in all my rulings."
Although the decision came as a surprise to many, it didn't catch Kingfishers Matty Walsh with his pants down. As he ran into a team meeting he offered, "Yeah, she's a sweetheart and I respect her abilities to make good sound decisions. I'd say everybody had better watch themselves this year. We got a new sheriff in town."
Although no financial details were released, rumours swirled around league headquarters that she is being paid by cartons of smokes and radio bingo cards.

Friday, September 26, 2008

XXX Aiming to be "Prettiest FIHL Team"

Matheson Says, "If we can't win, let's at least be pretty doing it!"
XXX Forward Scott Matheson
St. George, NB - The 2008-2009 FIHL season is not even under way yet and it appears some teams are waving the white flag already. Such was the case late Thursday when XXX Forward Scott Matheson met with reporters. Matheson noted, "Geez, we're in a real dogfight here. We came close the last couple of years, but with the new teams and Taylor and the Ratz stepping it up, we just have to be prettier. I know Walsh and a few others are getting tougher, we are concentrating on other parts of the game. How do you like my hair?"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

League Constitution Released to Public

F.I.H.L. Constitution
ALL TEAM REPRESENTATIVES MUST READ AND ACKNOWLEDGE THESE RULES, AND SIGN THE FORM BEFORE THEY ARE PERMITTED ON THE ICE.
PURPOSE:
To establish and operate a social/recreational hockey league in the Eastern Charlotte County area. The recreational league is open to all players 19 years of age and over. This league has been formed for the enjoyment, exercise, participation of its members. Its members are expected to exemplify sportsmanship, and conduct themselves in a manner, such that they will not be penalized. However in the heat of competition, incidents will occur. For this reason it is necessary to highlight the following rules under which the league operations.
FIRSTLY, LET’S ALL REMEMBER THAT THE FIHL IS ABOUT THE LOVE OF THE GAME. THERE ARE NO NHL SCOUTS WAITING IN THE WINGS. PLAY HARD BUT FAIR AND HAVE FUN.
CONCEPT STATEMENT:
The FIHL is intended to be a social/recreational league to provide enjoyment, exercise and a chance to network with fellow members. It must stress that this is a fun league and while each player and team is encouraged to play to the best of their ability, the league discourages the concept of win at all cost.
The league is open to all players 19 years of age and over and is a non-contact league. The league is for players who display good sportsmanship, team play and respect for others.
The directors of the league will be composed of representatives from each team and they have committed to dedicate their time and effort to manage the league in a fair manner.
RULES
These rules are in addition to the official rules of the Canadian Amateur Hockey Association.


ELIGIBILITY:
FIHL: Must be 19 years of age or older. That is, players cannot play until their 19th birthday.) If there is a question of age eligibility, the player in question must provide identification.
REGISTRATION / FEE PAYMENT:
Participating teams must have dues paid by Oct. 31. At that time all rosters must be finalized and each team is supplied with a copy. From that point on, nobody is eligible to play for any team unless approved by the Board. The team making the request for an addition must display that the player is necessary due to unforeseen circumstances beyond their control. Players must only play for their respective team. Players who wish to leave a team for personality issues, etc. must have approval of all members and must have paid their league fees to the team they are leaving. For example, if a player leaves 50 % of the way through the schedule, then they must pay 50 % of that team’s dues.
EQUIPMENT:
All equipment that is being used must be C.S.A. approved. The following equipment is mandatory: skates, hockey glovers, shin pads, hockey pants, jock, elbow pads, hockey helmet, hockey stick, facial protection (optional at this time, but strongly recommended, must also be C.S.A. approved).
Goalies: goalie skates (specifically designed and constructed for a goalie), goalie pads, chest/shoulder/arm protectors, helmet/facial protection, blocker, trapper, jock.
TIMEKEEPING:
League: games will consist of first 2 periods of 12 minutes straight time and one 20 minutes stop time period.
ELITE PLAYERS: No team is permitted to dress more than 2 Elite players. An Elite player is defined as any player who has dressed for 4 SHL games in that current hockey season. Once the player has dressed for the 5th game, they are now classified as an Elite player, and will count against the team’s eligibility limit for any one game. Goalies are exempt from this rule.




PLAYERS DRESSED:
A team must have a minimum of 6 regular team players dressed before an official game can be played. If a team is unable to meet this minimum they will forfeit the game.
FORFEITS
Any team that forfeits more than one game will suspended from the FIHL for the remainder of that hockey season. That is, when you have forfeited your second game, your team will be in violation of league rules and be suspended. A forfeit is defined as failure to ice the minimum number of players or failure to cancel a game in time due to weather.
SUBSTITUTE GOALIES:
If a team’s regular goalie is absent, a substitute goalie may be obtained from a substitute list, and then if unsuccessful, the team may use a goalie from another team, only during the regular season. In the play-offs, goalies are not permitted to play on other teams and all teams must use their roster players only.
TEAM REPRESENTATIVES:
A representative will be nominated for each team and will be responsible for sharing league information, up-coming events and changes to the regular schedule. Players should use this individual as a liaison between teams. Contact information must be supplied for the reps and his two alternates. Ex: E-mail, cell phones, home phones, etc.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT:
Any league member attending a scheduled game is subject to the rules and discipline of the league. Members who, in the opinion of the referees or league executive, conduct themselves in an unsportsmanlike manner may be subject to suspension.
APPEALS:
The player appealing may do so in writing or attend a meeting. His appeal will be heard and the board will discuss the appeal in private and then notify the player either in writing or by phone. All appeals will take time to hear from timekeepers and game officials and other players.


DECISIONS BY THE REFEREES:
Your league executive strongly supports all decisions made by the referees. The referees have been engaged to ensure that play is safe and fair. If, in the opinion of the referee, an infraction of the rules has been committed and a penalty is assessed, then the referee's decision is final.
The board does not function for the purpose of appealing the referee's decisions. The board administers and reviews suggestions for improvement. It also reviews incidents and determines follow-up actions such as suspensions or expulsions should an incident occur.
PENALTIES:
A. Basic
i) Minor Penalty 2 minutes (player must serve full time, team not short handed after goal is scored.)

ii) Major Penalty 5 minutes
Ejection from current game after fight.
Suspension for next game (if fighting in final 5 minutes or O/T (playoffs)


iii) Game Misconduct Ejection from current game
Reviewed by the Executives (after 2nd offense)

iv) Match Penalty Ejection from current game
Player may not participate until the circumstances have been reviewed by the board
v) Persistent Infringements
a) As they pertain to multiple game misconducts during the season
1st misconduct = Gone for remainder of game
2nd misconduct = 3 game suspension
3rd misconduct = 5 game suspension & player must appear before the board prior to being permitted to resume playing in the league.



PLAYERS EJECTED FROM CURRENT GAME MUST LEAVE THE BENCH AREA AND MAY NOT RETURN TO THE BENCH AREA. PLAYERS ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR ANY ACTIVITIES IN THE LEAGUE UNTIL THEIR SUSPENSION HAS BEEN SERVED.

PLAYERS SUSPENDED MAY NOT ATTEND THE BENCH AREA. FURTHERMORE, THEY SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED FROM ATTENDING THE DRESSING ROOM BEFORE AND AFTER THE GAME BY THE TEAM.

PLAYERS WHO ARE EITHER SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED FROM THE LEAGUE ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANY REFUND OF THE REGISTRATION FEES.
B. Special Situations
i) Attempt to Injure/Official Abuse
Any attempt to deliberately injure another player or official will result in an automatic Match penalty. The player will be subject to review by the Board. If a player is found to have attempted to injure, he will be subject to a minimum suspension of 5 games.
If contact is made with an official, he will automatically be ejected from the current game and receive a minimum of 1 game suspension as well he will be subject to further action deemed appropriate by the board, including possible expulsion from the league.

ii) Coincidental Penalties
Regardless of minor or major, teams will not play short-handed.

iii) Body Checking
This is a non-contact league and any body checking, or playing the man may be assessed either a minor or major penalty depending on the severity of the impact.

iv) Aggressive Play
If, in the opinion of the officials, a player engages in overly aggressive play / checking, the player will be subject to either a minor, double minor, major or match penalty.





v) Delay of Game
If in the opinion of the Referee a team is engaging in delaying tactics at stoppages in play, the referee is instructed to drop the puck and initiate play or assess a penalty.

vi) Questioning Officials
Only the team captains or alternate captains are permitted to ask the referee about rule interpretations or penalties. However if a captain or alternate is assessed a penalty he forfeits the right to discuss the call with the referee.
When a penalty is assessed players are expected to proceed to the penalty bench without discussion or comment with the referee.

vii) Profanity
Any player who directs profanity or foul and abusive language at a game official, will be assessed a misconduct penalty.

viii) Spearing / Butt-ending
Any player who spears or butt-ends another player will receive both a double minor penalty and a game misconduct. Depending on the severity of the attack a Match penalty may also be assessed.

ix) Goalies / Puck
Opposing players are not permitted to slash or poke at the goaltender when the goaltender has possession of the puck. Infractions will be assessed a penalty.


x) Difficult players
The Referee association reserves the right to request that difficult players be removed from the league if that player is deemed to be a persistent offender.

xi) Shoot-outs – all regular season games that end in a tie will be decided by a shoot-out. The shoot-out will be comprised of 3 shooters from each team. The home team decides who shoots first. If a tie is still in effect after 3 shooters, 1 shooter per team will shoot one at a time until a winner is decided. The extra shooters must be different than the first three. No “repeat” shooters are allowed until all members have shot at least once.
xii) Ties in Playoff games – a 5 minute over-time will be played if a game is tied after regulation play. If it is still tied after 5 minutes, the same procedure as xi (see above) will be followed.
xiii) Canceling games due to weather should be done as soon as possible but at least 2 ½ hours before the game by calling the other team’s representative, the arena and the director of officiating.

By signing this form you are acknowledging that you have read and fully understand the leagues constitution and rules and agree to play in the FIHL in accordance to the constitution and rules.
Your name (print) __________________________ Date _______________
Your signature ______________________________

Walsh says, "Kingfishers Need to be Tougher"

Walsh Returns from Wild Weekend
Matty Walsh & Shiner
Blacks Harbour, NB - Looking like he came third in a hatchet fight, Matty Walsh returned to meet with reporters late Wednesday night. Walsh said, "It has come to my attention that in order for the Kingfishers to retain the crown in the FIHL, we will need to be a lot tougher. I looked at the roster and every team is stocking up with fellas that can chuck 'em. I used to play floor hockey with Alan Legere and I know what being tough is all about. If you can go in the corners with Alan and come out with the puck, you can do it at any level."

Lomax Playing it "Cool" in 2008-2009

Trevor Lomax Sports New Look

Pirates Star Forward Trevor Lomax meets with The Voice

St. George, NB - Lepreau Pirates scoring machine Trevor Lomax sat down with The Hockey Voice to discuss the upcoming season and what he feels is expected of him. Lomax noted, "Hey Baby, I'm just trying to do the deal, know what I'm grooving at? These cats are relying on me to carry the load and all I can is heave it on. I think it was time for me to change my image . The new 'do and shades will go a long way to establish that. I told Taylor that I will not have any more contact with him util the ice is ready and at that time, he had better be ready. I'm planning on challenging for the scoring title."



















Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Hockey Voice September 2008

The Hockey Voice
"The one to listen to when you're listening to voices"
Bagley all set to release new album
Josh Bagley going over lyrics for new album
Blacks Harbour, NB - Kingfishers player and FIHL Director of Officiating Josh Bagley announced that the he releasing a new album next week. The title, "I got 99 problems and the Ratz ain't one," is self-explanatory according to Bagley. Bagley recorded the album under his stage name Sexy Bags. Bagley said the album reflects the true him. He noted, "The title is an ironic one. Everybody that knows me would know that I lay awake at night with nightmares about Taylor and Stevens bearing down on me and unloading one of those missiles. It ain't pretty, man. Taylor has over 800 goals alone."
The album is set release the second week of deer season according to his label.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Kingfishers Resort to Crooked Work to get job done

The Hockey Voice
Special Investigation
Picture shows Groom with illegal stick in 2008 Playoffs

Kingfishers Forward Greg Groom Nabbed by the Voice with Illegal Stick
Blacks Harbour, NB - It appears a scandal may be in the making at FIHL Headquarters. A photo has surfaced that clearly shows Kingfishers forward Greg Groom sporting what some people refer to as a "boomerang twig." Groom has offered no comment on the matter. Team GM Matty Walsh was quick to defend his player. Walsh said, "I saw the picture. It's kind of like them octagon illusions you see in magazines."
Meanwhile, the Director of Officiating Josh Bagley said, "Hey, maybe the stick was a little bent. I looked at the picture and you really can't tell. In any case, we ain't making any radioactive decisions that would suspend Groom. It ain't happening. I've closed the book on 2007-2008. I'm reading Green Eggs and Ham right now anyway."


Friday, September 19, 2008