Where did all this crap come from?
Ratz fan reaction to latest signingsFundy Industrial Hockey League All Stars
It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Charlotte County: Summer and Hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Fish Bowl as fans in all of Charlotte County rejoice. The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.
In fact, there are seven teams and managers across Charlotte County who spent the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the October dawn of a new season.
Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Twisters' and 'XXX,' but don't be fooled; FIHL hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following elite player categories in the heart of Charlotte County just to name a few.
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a funky team. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired team-mates, wild team parties and even wilder women. Most effective, however, is free hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the District 10 title, otherwise know as the prestigious Fish Bowl. This option has yet to work for Matheson and clan. Same result for Taylor and his prestigious St. Stephen boys.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the pants and socks of his junior or high school team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job or sitting around collecting poggy. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. 10 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome to the FIHL kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for Mavis, even though his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, Mav Dawg can be an effective player, especially if he's having a wily day -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Greg Groom -- now there’s a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Ratz. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.' It’s rumoured he may even be missing a chicklet or two.
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up . Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time. The FIHL is home to several of these freaking guys.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.
The Complete Psycho
I am scared to name names but these guys are good for a few giggles and FIHL highlights . . . from afar. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games, tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Fat Guy
The guy that has no lace in the front of his pants but miraculously his pants stay up because it took 2 guys to get them over his ass, he offers $20 to anyone that will tie or untie his skates, he gets winded when forced to tie his own skates, really likes to let clappers go from anywhere on the freeze under any and all conditions no matter what, his helmet sits on the very top of his head because he sports an orange bandana and no he is not from St. Stephen. His equipment smells like a small animal crawled in his bag took a sh*t and then died.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes), then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Lakewood fitness center'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team. Of course, Taylor is exempt from this. Every goal he scores is just banother chapter in the history books.
The Tough Guy
Beware, the FIHL is home to many tough guys, they maxed out at the house-league level, have never been in a fight and are characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player whom he knows won’t bite back. The fact that the FIHL does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 PIMS in the East Cost 3 years ago, in other words … don’t hassle the Hoff and don’t look at mean Jean.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
Corporate Guy
At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a nice corporate government job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room it's Party time & latest tales of banging broads and the good times. Pre-Game beers and smokes, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his team-mates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the bar or camp, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk ready to party on and rock hard.
And last but not least please remember … If at first you don’t succeed, you're not a f***king Kingfisher !!!
It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Charlotte County: Summer and Hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Fish Bowl as fans in all of Charlotte County rejoice. The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.
In fact, there are seven teams and managers across Charlotte County who spent the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the October dawn of a new season.
Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Twisters' and 'XXX,' but don't be fooled; FIHL hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following elite player categories in the heart of Charlotte County just to name a few.
The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a funky team. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired team-mates, wild team parties and even wilder women. Most effective, however, is free hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the District 10 title, otherwise know as the prestigious Fish Bowl. This option has yet to work for Matheson and clan. Same result for Taylor and his prestigious St. Stephen boys.
The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the pants and socks of his junior or high school team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job or sitting around collecting poggy. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. 10 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome to the FIHL kid.
The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for Mavis, even though his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, Mav Dawg can be an effective player, especially if he's having a wily day -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Greg Groom -- now there’s a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Ratz. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.' It’s rumoured he may even be missing a chicklet or two.
The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up . Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time. The FIHL is home to several of these freaking guys.
The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.
The Complete Psycho
I am scared to name names but these guys are good for a few giggles and FIHL highlights . . . from afar. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.
The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend
A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games, tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Fat Guy
The guy that has no lace in the front of his pants but miraculously his pants stay up because it took 2 guys to get them over his ass, he offers $20 to anyone that will tie or untie his skates, he gets winded when forced to tie his own skates, really likes to let clappers go from anywhere on the freeze under any and all conditions no matter what, his helmet sits on the very top of his head because he sports an orange bandana and no he is not from St. Stephen. His equipment smells like a small animal crawled in his bag took a sh*t and then died.
The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes), then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Lakewood fitness center'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team. Of course, Taylor is exempt from this. Every goal he scores is just banother chapter in the history books.
The Tough Guy
Beware, the FIHL is home to many tough guys, they maxed out at the house-league level, have never been in a fight and are characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player whom he knows won’t bite back. The fact that the FIHL does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 PIMS in the East Cost 3 years ago, in other words … don’t hassle the Hoff and don’t look at mean Jean.
The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
Corporate Guy
At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a nice corporate government job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room it's Party time & latest tales of banging broads and the good times. Pre-Game beers and smokes, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his team-mates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the bar or camp, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk ready to party on and rock hard.
And last but not least please remember … If at first you don’t succeed, you're not a f***king Kingfisher !!!
1 comment:
There's a snot bubble on my keyboard. Thanks for the laugh.
Post a Comment