The Hockey Voice : Hoffman lands new job

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hoffman lands new job

Chris Hoffman - the new Saint John City Police Cat Trainer

Saint John, NB - Everything with police work has become so specialized that now the good guys are seeking the help of yet another weapon to catch bad guys. Dogs have long been helpers for police in many criminal investigations, but Chris Hoffman has developed a new weapon, cats.

It was announced Monday that Hoffman is the Top Cat Trainer or the Pussy Patrol as he likes to call it. "I never really had any training for the canine unit so I wanted to move up the ladder a bit and I pitched my idea and so far, it has been received really well. I broke up a tuna theft ring in the city last night and hope to crack down on mice and as bad as I hate to say it - Ratz," said a very cheerful Hoffman.

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You might be from Charlotte County if......

1. You wear jogging pants and you have never gone and have no intention of going jogging.

2. You have barbecued baloney.

3. Your marriage proposal includes “You’re gonna have a what?”

4. You have picked up some beer on the way to work.

5. You have pictures of yourself beside giant weed plants.

6. Your wedding picture has a stick of tips in the background.

7. Your first words when you come out of a coma are, “Did I miss hunting season?”

8. You have ever used your kids swing set to pull the engine out of your vehicle.

9. The centerpiece on your lawn used to get 30 miles to the gallon.

10. You can’t find your lawnmower.

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13. You have ever said, “Want a hit off that thing, Mom?”

14. You buy beer to expand your summer wardrobe with hats and shirts.

15. You refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your smokes.

16. You have a road sign under your wood stove.

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26. You’re saving your beer bottles to buy a 4 wheeler.

27. You’ve ever been in a “racket” over booking vacation time for moose or deer season.

28. You check the Court News to see if any of your hockey, softball, darts, or crib teammates is going for a “trip.”

29. You have put an ad in the paper telling people to return shit that you have had stolen from you.

30. You use an abandoned or broken down in your yard car as lawn furniture.

31. You have ever paid a bill with beer and/or weed.

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33. You have ever told somebody they had “nice looking pigs and/or nice looking firewood.”

34. You’ve ever poked the old man in the mouth at Christmas for “being a prick.”

35. You wouldn’t go to a party because “All’s gonna be there is a buncha dinks.”

36. The brewery laid off a shift when your Dad died.

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38. You broke a toe when your belt buckle hit it.

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41. You bought dinner at a pet shop.

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46. The dentist tells you both your teeth have cavities.

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49. You’ve switched over to beer to sober up a bit.

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51. You answered your cellphone at a wedding.

52. Going for a drive involves “catching ‘er in gear.”

53. You have no idea how many pets you have.

54. Your snowshoes are actually tennis rackets.

55. You’ve ever sang at a pet’s funeral.

56. If “playing caps with friends” is mentioned in your obituary.

57. If you’ve ever put .22 shells in a woodstove to liven things up at a camp.

58. If you've ever put in your Moneysaver or Courier ad "Good for a camp."

The Hockey Voice

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hoffman lands new job

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