The Hockey Voice : HOCKEY VOICE EXCLUSIVE!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

HOCKEY VOICE EXCLUSIVE!

Joe Walsh and "Spiderman" Brings in "Stuff" for Kingfishers

Joe Walsh

Spiderman

Blacks Harbour, NB - No sooner had the buzzer went after the Ratz and Kingfishers game Tuesday night, controversy reared its ugly head again. Rumours were swirling about a substance that Joe Walsh and his buddy referred to only as "Spiderman" had concocted in their big city Toronto lab. The substance known only as "The Ratz Patch" was found in the garbage can in the Kingfishers Dressing Room.

A very distraught Joe Stevens was told about the discovery and offered, "Here I am injured, Joe Walsh floats into town, jumps ship and now is doping the boys up? There's lots of laws, but not much justice. Somebody was saying that if you slap one of his patches on your arm, it gives you the will to handle the Ratz attack. Am I the only one that thinks this is bullshit?"

The lips couldn't get any tighter in Kingfishers Nation. All calls went unreturned to their headquarters.

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You might be from Charlotte County if......

1. You wear jogging pants and you have never gone and have no intention of going jogging.

2. You have barbecued baloney.

3. Your marriage proposal includes “You’re gonna have a what?”

4. You have picked up some beer on the way to work.

5. You have pictures of yourself beside giant weed plants.

6. Your wedding picture has a stick of tips in the background.

7. Your first words when you come out of a coma are, “Did I miss hunting season?”

8. You have ever used your kids swing set to pull the engine out of your vehicle.

9. The centerpiece on your lawn used to get 30 miles to the gallon.

10. You can’t find your lawnmower.

11. You have ever said “The war is on!” after you find out somebody is using your treestand.

12. You have ever complained about how dirty your white socks get when you wear sandals.

13. You have ever said, “Want a hit off that thing, Mom?”

14. You buy beer to expand your summer wardrobe with hats and shirts.

15. You refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your smokes.

16. You have a road sign under your wood stove.

17. You’ve watched the Stanley Cup playoffs in your underwear.

18. Your discarded freezer now holds your garbage.

19. You’ve worn a beer T shirt to a parent-teacher interview.

20. You know all the cast on the Trailer Park Boys, but don’t know your local MP or MLA.

21. You have ever checked your oil at a funeral.

22. You’ve thrown a party just to get the empties.

23. You have to get work done to your “rigging” and everybody knows you’re not going to a mechanic.

24. You cried the day your son/daughter first got served at the liquor store.

25. You’re paying higher payments on your 4 wheeler than your engagement ring.

26. You’re saving your beer bottles to buy a 4 wheeler.

27. You’ve ever been in a “racket” over booking vacation time for moose or deer season.

28. You check the Court News to see if any of your hockey, softball, darts, or crib teammates is going for a “trip.”

29. You have put an ad in the paper telling people to return shit that you have had stolen from you.

30. You use an abandoned or broken down in your yard car as lawn furniture.

31. You have ever paid a bill with beer and/or weed.

32. You have ever said “I got one of them home,” if somebody asks you it you want a bag.

33. You have ever told somebody they had “nice looking pigs and/or nice looking firewood.”

34. You’ve ever poked the old man in the mouth at Christmas for “being a prick.”

35. You wouldn’t go to a party because “All’s gonna be there is a buncha dinks.”

36. The brewery laid off a shift when your Dad died.

37. The entertainment at your wedding was a boom box.

38. You broke a toe when your belt buckle hit it.

39. You’ve muted your TV before farting.

40. You’ve had to move a baby seat to make love.

41. You bought dinner at a pet shop.

42. Your cheques feature pictures of dogs fighting.

43. Your pen pal is a guy you “did weekends with.”

44. You’re banned from all your son’s sporting events.

45. Making your bed disturbs at least three animals.

46. The dentist tells you both your teeth have cavities.

47. You’ve missed more than a week’s work with heartburn.

48. You whistle at women at a funeral.

49. You’ve switched over to beer to sober up a bit.

50. You’ve put a sign “No more toking” inside your house.

51. You answered your cellphone at a wedding.

52. Going for a drive involves “catching ‘er in gear.”

53. You have no idea how many pets you have.

54. Your snowshoes are actually tennis rackets.

55. You’ve ever sang at a pet’s funeral.

56. If “playing caps with friends” is mentioned in your obituary.

57. If you’ve ever put .22 shells in a woodstove to liven things up at a camp.

58. If you've ever put in your Moneysaver or Courier ad "Good for a camp."

The Hockey Voice

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

HOCKEY VOICE EXCLUSIVE!

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