Taylor to Release Greatest Hits Package of Rollin' on the River

Former Rollin' on the River writer Mark Taylor

Invariably, as I make my way around the area, I run into people who know me and recognize me from my days when I was a writer of the weekly column Rollin' on the River. People are always asking me if I'm going to get it going and I always say probably not. This stuff has stuck with me and like an aging rock star with no recent hits, I've decided to release a greatest hits package of some of my best material (in my eyes). Now if your memory is as screwed as mine, these might even appear to be brand new to you. I realize I will have to pick and choose as some stories would have been topical and current at the time but are not even relevant any more.

So to all my fans out there, here's the first installment of the Rollin' on the River Greatest Hits;

December 18, 2007

I enjoy talking to people I don’t know. There are no preconceived notions and all you have to worry about is that dreaded first impression. I was sitting in an eating establishment in Saint John recently and I noticed a chap trucking around and looked to be one of the big shots of the place. He was decked out in the apparel that lead me to believe that, and he was lugging around rolls of change which is a sure sign of authority in such an atmosphere. I was waiting for my grub and figured I would strike up a conversation. Of course, I said, “Are you rocking hard today? His response was something I could have predicted – “Always do man.” You have to have that gut feeling on the people you are talking to. Maybe Larry King should have read this column and use this tip. I saw him interview Kid Rock and he never asked him that question. That would have been the first thing out of my mouth. As I’ve said many times before and it’s worth saying again, “What’s wrong with people?”

What difference does it make what your occupation is when you commit a crime? You know what I’m talking about. Stuff like, “Pig Farmer commits horrific crimes,” or “Bank Manager steals pens.” There’s probably times when it is relevant, but in most cases it is not. If you’re a doctor and you’re running around unplugging hospital equipment, then maybe they should give out what you do for a living. To say, “Captain of softball team responsible for hospital deaths” is kind of distorting the real deal.

Maybe if Michael Vick was a dog psychologist, he may have been able to say that the dogs were his clients and they had to assert themselves and stick up for themselves more. I thought this occupation was bogus when I heard about for the first time. I now think this would be a good racket to get into. You can just keep telling the dog’s owner (also known at the person with the cash) that Tippy needs more help and a few more sessions should do the trick. At least you know Tippy isn’t gonna tell his owner on the way home that you don’t know that the fuckin' idiot don't know squat. Man, this is a license to print money. Giddy up!

I'm just saying.............