Greg Justason: A Big Hit on National Television

Taylor Dabbles in Animation

Click on this link and check out the 2010 Local Hero Awards Ceremony.


http://goanimate.com/movie/0G32rCDzqadQ/1

More of the Greatest Hits from Rollin' on the River

Still Rollin’ on the River

June 17, 2008

By now we all know and it has been clinically proven, that killing spiders does make it rain. I used to think that it was all made up like people telling you not to swim right after you eat and that sometimes when you make faces, your face will stay that way. Somebody was saying that this shit is taught in the school system as well, but I must have been sick that day.
In light of all this, I would like to know who the rotten sons of whores who killed all the spiders in this area lately because we've got a pisspot full of rain and somebody must have wiped out a nest or something. I was watching CNN one night and George Bush came on and called on all the people to stop killing the spiders, especially the itsy bitsy ones. And no, I don’t think I dreamed this all up or that it didn’t happen.

I was behind this guy the other day that had what I thought was a very thought provoking thing on his New Brunswick license plate. Under the license plate number, it had the word “Conversation” written in small letters. If you weren’t looking for it, you wouldn’t notice it at all, but of course, old Hawkeye here picked right up on it. I suspect it is a very clever thing the government put on there to get us all talking and I think it will go a long ways to promote peace and harmony in what used to be called the Picture Province, but is now just called Nouveau Brunswick. I ain’t no rocket specialist, but I think they should have had some conversation about putting the goddam fines so high that an honest man can’t afford them anymore.

One big fashion trend from the past that has gone by the wayside is the use of the ear for putting things behind. Now all they are used for is pretty well is to hang earrings on and that’s unfortunate. You used to see people with pencils and cigarettes mainly, but not any more. I remember one time I got my ear chopped off in kindling accident and somebody found it in the snow. When they first handed it to me, I refused it because mine had a pencil behind it, but then I realized that it was a really good chance that it was mine. The story ended happily ever after and I can now keep my sunglasses straight thanks to the quick thinking and a good doctor’s needle.

All through time, people have marvelled at the great memory of the big elephant, including me. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know anything about an elephant’s memory, but I do like the saying. I am still waiting to hear about one of these critters getting a big whack in the noggin and see what happens then. I bet if they ever got a big body check from former NHL-er Scott Stevens, they might not be recalling everything that happened. I wonder if Cheech and Chong had an elephant, would he be as sharp as a marble? I somehow suspect not.

Taylor to Release Greatest Hits Package of Rollin' on the River

Former Rollin' on the River writer Mark Taylor

Invariably, as I make my way around the area, I run into people who know me and recognize me from my days when I was a writer of the weekly column Rollin' on the River. People are always asking me if I'm going to get it going and I always say probably not. This stuff has stuck with me and like an aging rock star with no recent hits, I've decided to release a greatest hits package of some of my best material (in my eyes). Now if your memory is as screwed as mine, these might even appear to be brand new to you. I realize I will have to pick and choose as some stories would have been topical and current at the time but are not even relevant any more.

So to all my fans out there, here's the first installment of the Rollin' on the River Greatest Hits;

December 18, 2007

I enjoy talking to people I don’t know. There are no preconceived notions and all you have to worry about is that dreaded first impression. I was sitting in an eating establishment in Saint John recently and I noticed a chap trucking around and looked to be one of the big shots of the place. He was decked out in the apparel that lead me to believe that, and he was lugging around rolls of change which is a sure sign of authority in such an atmosphere. I was waiting for my grub and figured I would strike up a conversation. Of course, I said, “Are you rocking hard today? His response was something I could have predicted – “Always do man.” You have to have that gut feeling on the people you are talking to. Maybe Larry King should have read this column and use this tip. I saw him interview Kid Rock and he never asked him that question. That would have been the first thing out of my mouth. As I’ve said many times before and it’s worth saying again, “What’s wrong with people?”

What difference does it make what your occupation is when you commit a crime? You know what I’m talking about. Stuff like, “Pig Farmer commits horrific crimes,” or “Bank Manager steals pens.” There’s probably times when it is relevant, but in most cases it is not. If you’re a doctor and you’re running around unplugging hospital equipment, then maybe they should give out what you do for a living. To say, “Captain of softball team responsible for hospital deaths” is kind of distorting the real deal.

Maybe if Michael Vick was a dog psychologist, he may have been able to say that the dogs were his clients and they had to assert themselves and stick up for themselves more. I thought this occupation was bogus when I heard about for the first time. I now think this would be a good racket to get into. You can just keep telling the dog’s owner (also known at the person with the cash) that Tippy needs more help and a few more sessions should do the trick. At least you know Tippy isn’t gonna tell his owner on the way home that you don’t know that the fuckin' idiot don't know squat. Man, this is a license to print money. Giddy up!

I'm just saying.............

Cunningham Predicts Habs Victory in Game 4

Cunningham: "If I have anything to do with it, it's a Habs W Thursday night"Geoff Cunningham's "Secret Weapon"

Richardson now a "believer"

Richardson confirms his seat on the Habs Bandwagon

Text message to Hockey Voice by Chris Richardson

Pilltown, NB - Maybe the world is going crazy or maybe Chris Richardson finally has the eyesight that he always wanted, but the staunch Leafs supporter is firmly behind the Habs quest for the Cup. Knowing full well the skepticism that a lot of the Hockey Voice readers have, editor Mark Taylor knew he needed substantial proof of the conversion. It came through at 6:53 pm AST tonight.

The Hockey Voice undergoes great scrutiny through the year as Richardson himself audits the stories carried in the Hockey Voice. Richardson even said, "I told Taylor that if he's going to associate my name with his publication, I don't want any bullshit stories and so far, he has held up his end of the bargain. Whether its his goals total of 890, the St. George Space Program, Joe Stevens flashing fistfuls of cash to new players, Matty Walsh rassling bears, or whatever, I have found no inconsistencies. One time I found he spelled a word wrong and we got it fixed right away."

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Matty Walsh looked over the text message and concluded, "I looked over the message and concluded there is no way other than if Taylor has Richardson's phone that he could have pulled this one off. I know my bullshit and this is not bullshit. These are true facts."

Hockey Voice Introduces New Diet Plan

The Results Are In!

Richardson & Cunningham on the Habs BandwagonBrain X Ray of Chris Richardson and Geoff Cunningham

Bonny River, NB - In a never-ending struggle to get the truth, the Hockey Voice paid some big bucks to find out exactly what is in the minds of two of the area's Leafs fan's heads. Chris Richardson and Geoff Cunningham, both Hockey Voice staffers, agreed to let the medical field tell the world what most of us already knew. The duo are firm on the Habs Bandwagon, as most of Canada east of the British Columbia and Alberta border is already.

An embarrassed Richardson noted, "I knew I couldn't win here. If I didn't allow the X Ray, Taylor would just say it anyway so I did it, big deal. GO HABS GO!"

Cunningham said, "Well, the secret is out now and that's okay by me. At least we know there's something going on inside of my head, which is more than I can say about a lot of people I know."

Hoffman talks about his famous buddy

Hoffman: "Jack Nicholson is a hoot!"

Chris Hoffman and Nick Nozzilio share a beer and laugh with Jack Nicholson

Saint John, NB - Chris Hoffman has played a lot of hockey and me a lot of people but he says Jack Nicholson is a "hoot" and somebody you can count on. Hoffman met Nicholson one year during a vacation and the actor related to him his knowledge of hockey.

Hoffman said, "I had seen him at Laker games and stuff on TV and just figured he was all basketball, but when he got asking me about the FIHL, I knew he was a REAL hockey fan. Just recently, he called me and and asked how many goals Taylor had now and when I thought he'd get his 900th. Of course, I told him - pretty well any time Taylor wants to. He likes the Ratz the best but the Kingfishers are a close second. I wouldn't be surprised that when Taylor gets 895 or so, he'll be flying in and following the team. I mean, Taylor could get 5 goals in his sleep. I love One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and it never gets old."

Hockey Voice staffer shows how to change your life in 1 easy step

Joe Walsh shows how it's done and he's not even the rocker Joe Walsh!

Is The NBT on the horizon for the Ratz?

Self-Proclaimed "Next Big Thing" in Talks with Ratz?

Former Ratz Rookie of the Year Winner Shane Smith

Froot Loops, AB - The ink had barely dried on Ratz star Jim Buchanan's 7 year deal when another big story hit the rumour mill. Former rookie of the year sensation Shane Smith broke his silence and said he's been having talks with the Ratz regarding a 2011-2012 contract. The "Next Big Thing" said things are progressing but couldn't get into a lot of details but did confirm he was offered a $1,000 signing bonus. "Taylor and Stevens said they could pay up to $1,000 of some sort but didn't say what it was. It could be Canadian Tire money or a bunch of sticks of tips for all I know, but a $1,000 is a $1,000 and I take them at their word. They did tell me to keep my mouth shut until Buchanan signed for some reason. Maybe the $1,000 is supposed to be kept secret. How would I know?" said Smith in an exclusive Hockey Voice interview.

Smith said he has had informal talks with Kingfishers GM Matty Walsh, but found it wasn't going anywhere. "Matty just talks general stuff like we got a good team, we are the ones to beat, come play for us. BUT when you talk to Taylor and Stevens, it's all we're cutting this guy, we're adding this guy, what linemates do you want? Do you want to be on the BIG Line?" noted Smith.

Things started to happen when Smith got on a line with Taylor and Stevens at a charity game in January and Smith said he was impressed. "When you see a guy who has almost 900 goals dropping and blocking shots, you know they're serious about winning. Mom even said that." said Smith.

Ratz start the re-loading process

Buchanan gets 7 year deal

Jim Buchanan gives thumbs up on his deal Joe Stevens as he leaves Buchanan meeting at Ratz headquarters

Bonny River, NB - Many hockey insiders and FIHL management types have criticized the moves by the Bonny River Ratz as being "outlandish" and "unwarranted," and the latest is no exception. It was announced today that Ratz star Jim Buchanan had inked a 7 year deal with the FIHL team. Buchanan, who is coming off a career season, that saw him many nights skating on the BIG Line with Mark Taylor and Joe Stevens, was all smiles leaving the office today.

"Well boys, you either have it or ya don't. People like Matty Walsh always yapping about the Ratz deals is getting a little old. Obviously, the Ratz see something they don't. I know a lot of my points are the direct result of being on the line with Taylor; that ain't a crime boys. Piss on it." noted Buchanan as he drove away in the team limousine.

The remarks Buchanan spoke of was Kingfishers GM Matty Walsh's, who opon hearing of the Buchanan deal, said, "7 Years? Really? How in hell am I supposed to compete in that market? I don't know what I'm doing 7 minutes from now. They signed Taylor to a 10 year deal and that one I can understand, but this one has me baffled."

Joe Stevens was brief in his discussions, but did manage, "I don't want to get into how we decided on 7 years. That's a personal issue between Buchanan and the team. We will re-vist this thing in 7 years time and that's all I'm saying. If you have questions about hockey, let's talk. If it's about bullshit, I really have to go."

More announcements are expected in the upcoming weeks as the Ratz re-load the roster for 2011-2012.

Joe Walsh Delivers Hard-Hitting Interview

Joe Walsh

Hi! My name is Joe Walsh, the entertainment critic for the Hockey Voice. I have been out of the loop for awhile and just recently was given what most people would characterize as a “plum” assignment. I guess living in Toronto has its advantages but it certainly doesn’t help when a fella’s trying to get into the journalism racket. Once the FIHL season ended, I had a feeling I would be getting something but certainly didn’t think I’d get the Mark Taylor interview. I’ve known Mark Taylor for many, many years and must admit I’m one of the biggest fans, if not THE biggest fan of his in Toronto. I recently got the chance to sit down with the icon and here's an excerpt of the things we discussed.

JW: I know the fans out there want to know what happened to the Ratz this year. What can you tell them?

Taylor: Well, Joe, I must say yellow is definitely your colour. I guess there’s a lot of blame to go around and I’ll start with myself. Being shut down in the playoffs is never a good feeling but I was double-teamed and sometimes triple-teamed and the boys couldn’t get the puck to me and I wasn’t able to get in there and pounce on rebounds like you’ve seen me do so many times. Our best players weren’t our best players, I’ll just say that and leave it at that.

JW: I read somewhere where you said that all people who wear sunglasses are stoned. Do you still feel that way?

Taylor: That is a bit of a misunderstanding right there. I think that people who wear sunglasses in stores buying chips, chocolate bars, Cheech & Chong movies and Visine could possibly be stoned. I think that when people walk around inside malls and stuff with the really dark ones, all wrapped around their eyes, it’s a good possibility they are crying or are really all fucked up. Just go over and start talking shit to them, and you’ll find out really quick.

JW: I also read where you like to talk to people and find out their story. Somebody was saying you have a unique knack for that. Care to collaborate on that one? Pardon the big fucking words, pal. I’m trying to impress everybody up here.

Taylor: Yeah, the best way is to have something all thought up ahead of time so you have it straight in your head. I was leaving a mall a little while and ago and a guy was having a smoke. I hollered at him, “Hey, John, haven’t seen ya at the Legion lately?” He replied, “My name’s not John. It’s Bob.” “Oh fuck, you’re not John! Shit, you look just like him” I returned. “No, and you won’t see me at the Legion either.” John-Bob added. That’s when I really kick it in to overdrive. “We’ll, the last time I saw ya, you were trying to get into a fucking racket. Anyway, good to see ya again, say hi to your Mom for me!”

JW: One of your nicknames is “Mr. 800,” Does that get a little old or do you still enjoy it?

Taylor: Well, Joe, funny you should mention that. It was 90 goals ago but I still like it. Most people who call me that probably don’t have 400 goals but they all like to feel like they’re a piece of it and let’s face it, I’m not playing hockey for personal stats now, it’s all about the fans. To answer your question, I still enjoy it, but have a feeling it’s changing next fall to Mr. 900, but let’s not count our chickens before they get stoned.”

JW: I heard the Ratz are re-loading for next year. Just exactly what is that piece of tail?

Taylor: I think the word you’re looking for is entail, but that’s okay. We tend to not re-build, we re-load. We have some feelers out right now all across Canada. Yes, I mean all across Canada. There is a huge amount of interest in playing for this squad. In fact, this might be a good time to address your situation. I don’t think we can find you a job making a six figure salary and only working Thursday and Fridays. I know that’s what you asked for, but so far, we haven’t been able to land such a position for you, sorry. As soon as I tell somebody that, they immediately ask, “Why only Thursdays and Fridays? When I tell them that you don’t want to work after game night, they usually hang up. I’m just saying.

JW: Well. I thank you for at least considering me, but I figured it would be a hard sell. Well, listen Taylor, it has been great doing this interview. I hope I get some consideration for one of them Golden Partridge Awards.

Taylor: No problem, it has been all your pleasure for sure.

Josh Cloney and Gregg Buchanan dance again - finally!

It was puck drop in the third period and the Milltown visibly needing a spark, Josh Cloney and Gregg Buchanan decide to put things to rest after a huge build-up all series.

You decide the winner & loser, it's too close for the Voice to call.

Moose move along after loss

Moose on the move again?

Head Coach Bill Mitchell
Nervous 51 % owner of Moose Ryan Weatherby

St. Stephen, NB - The wheels barely stopped spinning Sunday night when the Milltown Moose suffered a crushing 8-1 loss at the hands of the St. George XXX and decisions and announcements were made public. Ryan Weatherby, long the General Manager of the club, announced he was relinquishing his duties immediately. "I've had enough and feel I have got the team to this point and would like somebody else to step in and take us to the next level," noted a very nervous and agitated Weatherby.

Right on the heels of that blockbuster, head coach Bill Mitchell announced he was exploring the possibility of buying the team and moving it to Piskehagen.

Mitchell added, "I'm not gonna be dealing with a bunch of drunken bastards drinking at their hunting camps all the time, let's set that straight right now. I'm gonna be running a classy organization that reflects my philosophy and boozing it up is not what I'm all about."

XXX Trample Moose in Game 5

St. George XXX at the Top of the Heap

Back Row (Left to Right) Brandon Hawkins, Nick Ganong, Matt Hall, Scott Matheson, Sara Ross, Kris Van Horne (in back), Ryan MacDonald, Gregg Buchanan (in back), Jeff Ross, Matt Stuart, Chris Hill, Ryan Best

Kneeling: Ryan Price, Jamie Ross

JJ Hyslop wears his glasses that were not worn during Game 5
JJ Hyslop gives the horns after Game 5 defeat

From back row left to right: Shane McGregor, Austin McGregor, Sheldon Holt, Tyler Tapley, Sean McSorley, Jeremy Leavitt, Josh Cloney, Kevin Pomeroy, Greg Fahey, Ryan McGregor, Chris Nelson, Mark Hatt, Nathaniel Sharkey, Bill Mitchell

Front row left to right: Jordan Morrow, Ryan Haley, Amos Arseneault, JJ Hyslop, Bill Booth, Ryan Weatherby

St. George XXX celebrate victory

Blacks Harbour, NB - It was never in doubt. As soon as Jamie Ross scored the opening goal on a first period slap shot, it was evident a storm was brewing and the Milltown Moose were not going to be able to fight it. Before the night was out, Matt Stuart would add a pair, as did Scott Matheson and Jamie Ross added another to make a pair and Tom Wilcox and Gregg Buchanan added singles to make up the 8 XXX goals as they routed the Milltown Moose 8-1 in the deciding game of the 2011 FIHL Finals. Ryan McGregor spoiled Nick Ganong's shutout by bending the twines for the Moose.

After the game, XXX goalie Nick Ganong said, "Hey, the Moose beat Taylor and the Bonny

River Ratz, I'm never discounting anybody who can do that. I've played for the Ratz and played against the them. Taylor has 890 goals; need I say more? These guys gave us all we could handle. I'm tipping my hat to them. They are a good bunch of guys but somebody had to win and somebody had to lose."

FIHL 2011 Playoff MVP Awards leaked to Hockey Voice

WOW! Ain't nobody gonna believe this shit!

Blacks Harbour, NB – As a top secret meeting at FIHL headquarters carried on through the night, speculation began to grow what was being discussed behind closed doors. The Hockey Voice has obtained a leaked document that outlines a very special list of awards for the 2011 FIHL PLayoff MVP.

The donors are top secret but here is a list of prizes;

· The keys to a $300 half ton (comes complete with an inspection sticker and gun rack)
· Lifetime supply of Zig Zag papers
· 1 litre jug of slug bait
· A treestand in Piskehagen for either the first week of deer season or last week (your choice).
· 100 dozen beer bottles
· 1 bottle of Mark Taylor Purple Jesus wine
· Moose call signed by Tommy Barrett

Feisty Moose Force Game 5 in the Harbour Sunday

Moose Season Still Open XXX Goalie Nick Ganong bellyflops to keep game close late in Game 4

People talking to people and straightening shit out

Josh Cloney (12) faces with Scott Matheson (16) in 1st Period action

St. Andrews, NB - The Milltown Moose have climbed back out of the depths of elimination to notch the best of five FIHL Finals at 2 apiece. They did so by virtue of a 5-3 win in St. Andrews Thursday night after jumping to a 3-0 lead in the opening frame.

The Moose held a 3-1 lead after the 1st and 5-1 after 2 stanzas before the XXX made it interesting with 2 in the final period. JJ Hyslop was steady in net for the Moose but would probably like to have the 3rd XXX marker back as it knuckled by him late in the third. Meanwhile, Nick Ganong slammed the door in the third and played his best hockey for XXX since Game 2 and sets up a showdown Sunday night at the Fundy Arena at 7:40 pm. - winner take all.

The game was fast-paced all the way with a fair amount of contact and certainly the will to win was written all over everybody's face. Nobody wanted to give an inch but certainly when the Moose scored 3 goals early, it was just too big of a hole to climb out of against a Bordertown team that had winning on its mind.

One would be foolish to try to predict a winner as the series has featured the best of both teams. XXX was the superior team in the first two games as the out-hustled and out-chanced the Moose but still only managed two 3-2 victories. Then in games 3 and 4 the Moose have outscored XXX 12-4 and lots of people would tend to think they have momentum going into Game 5.

I have seen Nick Ganong practically steal games by himself and the Hockey Voice definitely has not written off Nick or his teammates. On the other hand, if you get JJ Hyslop a lead, he is extremely tough to mount any type of comeback on as he gains confidence and does not give up many.

I expect Game 5 to be a close one and of course, too close to call.

Resilient Moose force Game 3

Dugas stands tall

Blacks Harbour, NB - Anybody who follows the FIHL knows what Andrew Dugas' feelings are for some of the guys on St. George XXX. So it should come as no surprise that if Dugas had a chance to piss on their parade, he would do everything in his power to do it. He played an almost flawless game Tuesday night as he backstopped the Milltown Moose to a lopsided 7-1 victory. Dugas was sitting in for the ailing JJ Hyslop who usually tends the Moose cage. The win staved off elimination for the Moose who are now down 2-1 in the best of 5 final but appear to have grabbed momentum and are headed back home to play game 4 in St. Andrews Thursday at 8:30 pm.

The game was a physical affair with plenty of body contact going both ways. The one play that caused concern was late in the third when XXX forward Jeff Ross cross-checked a Moose player from behind after the whistle. The on-ice officials gave him a 2 minute cross-checking minor and a 10 misconduct which amounted to the rest of the game. It could have very easily been a match penalty which would have tacked on a game misconduct for game 4.

St. George will have to score early Thursday night in order to stem the tide. If not, it could be a long night for Nick Ganong and Company.

Lots of talk between benches makes for interesting Game 3 in Blacks Harbour

XXX Star Gregg Buchanan and Moose star Josh Cloney talk about getting together and renewing old acquaintances. Will it be Game 3 in Fundy Arena on Tuesday night at 7:40 pm?

Let's face it - When goatee wearing midget security guards are venting, the Hockey Voice is there. When hockey players have had enough of each other's shit, the Hockey Voice is there. There's nobody who covers the local hockey scene like the Hockey Voice.