The Hockey Voice : Cunny's Crystal Ball is Back!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cunny's Crystal Ball is Back!

Cunny Makes Bold Predictions

Hockey Voice Head Psychic Geoff Cunningham

Editor's Note: The Hockey Voice takes no responsibility for any hurt feelings, character blemishes, or deep sadness readers may experience by reading Cunny's Crystal Ball. Mr. Cunningham simply tells everybody what the crystal is telling him. Please do not shoot the messenger. Even though you may get off with a lighter sentence than if you shot a moose, please do not do so.

The FIHL and the Hockey Voice have one united message and that is "INCREASE THE PEACE!"

Mark Taylor will develop a new drink called Booger Blend that will be the biggest hit in the booze market since Harvey Ball Hangers. It will contain tequila and car boogers. For those people who live in a cave, car boogers are those things that hang off your car in the winter that are comprised of salt and slush.
The St. George XXX will finish in top spot for the 2008-2009 regular season and get a first round bye. They will get so big and lazy during the long lay off that they will be ousted in the second round.
Lepreau Pirates star Trevor Lomax will hook onto a fellow league heavyweight and lose some teeth in the process. The tooth fairy will bring him enough money that the Lepreau Pirates will be able to clear off their league debt.
Josh Bagley will win a year's supply of jelly beans for correctly guessing how many jelly beans are in a life-sized mannequin of Jamie Harris. Matty Walsh will opt out of the competition as he cannot count that high.
Ryan Weatherby of the Blackland Twisties will win the FIHL executive/coach of the year award. He will credit his team's success to the execution of their game plan and the ability of them to always keep at least one man high at all times.
The Bonny River Ratz, with no less than 3 ex-jail birds on the team, will grab top honours at the 2009 BIG SHOW in Quispamsis.

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You might be from Charlotte County if......

1. You wear jogging pants and you have never gone and have no intention of going jogging.

2. You have barbecued baloney.

3. Your marriage proposal includes “You’re gonna have a what?”

4. You have picked up some beer on the way to work.

5. You have pictures of yourself beside giant weed plants.

6. Your wedding picture has a stick of tips in the background.

7. Your first words when you come out of a coma are, “Did I miss hunting season?”

8. You have ever used your kids swing set to pull the engine out of your vehicle.

9. The centerpiece on your lawn used to get 30 miles to the gallon.

10. You can’t find your lawnmower.

11. You have ever said “The war is on!” after you find out somebody is using your treestand.

12. You have ever complained about how dirty your white socks get when you wear sandals.

13. You have ever said, “Want a hit off that thing, Mom?”

14. You buy beer to expand your summer wardrobe with hats and shirts.

15. You refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your smokes.

16. You have a road sign under your wood stove.

17. You’ve watched the Stanley Cup playoffs in your underwear.

18. Your discarded freezer now holds your garbage.

19. You’ve worn a beer T shirt to a parent-teacher interview.

20. You know all the cast on the Trailer Park Boys, but don’t know your local MP or MLA.

21. You have ever checked your oil at a funeral.

22. You’ve thrown a party just to get the empties.

23. You have to get work done to your “rigging” and everybody knows you’re not going to a mechanic.

24. You cried the day your son/daughter first got served at the liquor store.

25. You’re paying higher payments on your 4 wheeler than your engagement ring.

26. You’re saving your beer bottles to buy a 4 wheeler.

27. You’ve ever been in a “racket” over booking vacation time for moose or deer season.

28. You check the Court News to see if any of your hockey, softball, darts, or crib teammates is going for a “trip.”

29. You have put an ad in the paper telling people to return shit that you have had stolen from you.

30. You use an abandoned or broken down in your yard car as lawn furniture.

31. You have ever paid a bill with beer and/or weed.

32. You have ever said “I got one of them home,” if somebody asks you it you want a bag.

33. You have ever told somebody they had “nice looking pigs and/or nice looking firewood.”

34. You’ve ever poked the old man in the mouth at Christmas for “being a prick.”

35. You wouldn’t go to a party because “All’s gonna be there is a buncha dinks.”

36. The brewery laid off a shift when your Dad died.

37. The entertainment at your wedding was a boom box.

38. You broke a toe when your belt buckle hit it.

39. You’ve muted your TV before farting.

40. You’ve had to move a baby seat to make love.

41. You bought dinner at a pet shop.

42. Your cheques feature pictures of dogs fighting.

43. Your pen pal is a guy you “did weekends with.”

44. You’re banned from all your son’s sporting events.

45. Making your bed disturbs at least three animals.

46. The dentist tells you both your teeth have cavities.

47. You’ve missed more than a week’s work with heartburn.

48. You whistle at women at a funeral.

49. You’ve switched over to beer to sober up a bit.

50. You’ve put a sign “No more toking” inside your house.

51. You answered your cellphone at a wedding.

52. Going for a drive involves “catching ‘er in gear.”

53. You have no idea how many pets you have.

54. Your snowshoes are actually tennis rackets.

55. You’ve ever sang at a pet’s funeral.

56. If “playing caps with friends” is mentioned in your obituary.

57. If you’ve ever put .22 shells in a woodstove to liven things up at a camp.

58. If you've ever put in your Moneysaver or Courier ad "Good for a camp."

The Hockey Voice

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cunny's Crystal Ball is Back!

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