Taylor Dabbles in Animation

Click on this link and check out the 2010 Local Hero Awards Ceremony.


http://goanimate.com/movie/0G32rCDzqadQ/1

More of the Greatest Hits from Rollin' on the River

Still Rollin’ on the River

June 17, 2008

By now we all know and it has been clinically proven, that killing spiders does make it rain. I used to think that it was all made up like people telling you not to swim right after you eat and that sometimes when you make faces, your face will stay that way. Somebody was saying that this shit is taught in the school system as well, but I must have been sick that day.
In light of all this, I would like to know who the rotten sons of whores who killed all the spiders in this area lately because we've got a pisspot full of rain and somebody must have wiped out a nest or something. I was watching CNN one night and George Bush came on and called on all the people to stop killing the spiders, especially the itsy bitsy ones. And no, I don’t think I dreamed this all up or that it didn’t happen.

I was behind this guy the other day that had what I thought was a very thought provoking thing on his New Brunswick license plate. Under the license plate number, it had the word “Conversation” written in small letters. If you weren’t looking for it, you wouldn’t notice it at all, but of course, old Hawkeye here picked right up on it. I suspect it is a very clever thing the government put on there to get us all talking and I think it will go a long ways to promote peace and harmony in what used to be called the Picture Province, but is now just called Nouveau Brunswick. I ain’t no rocket specialist, but I think they should have had some conversation about putting the goddam fines so high that an honest man can’t afford them anymore.

One big fashion trend from the past that has gone by the wayside is the use of the ear for putting things behind. Now all they are used for is pretty well is to hang earrings on and that’s unfortunate. You used to see people with pencils and cigarettes mainly, but not any more. I remember one time I got my ear chopped off in kindling accident and somebody found it in the snow. When they first handed it to me, I refused it because mine had a pencil behind it, but then I realized that it was a really good chance that it was mine. The story ended happily ever after and I can now keep my sunglasses straight thanks to the quick thinking and a good doctor’s needle.

All through time, people have marvelled at the great memory of the big elephant, including me. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know anything about an elephant’s memory, but I do like the saying. I am still waiting to hear about one of these critters getting a big whack in the noggin and see what happens then. I bet if they ever got a big body check from former NHL-er Scott Stevens, they might not be recalling everything that happened. I wonder if Cheech and Chong had an elephant, would he be as sharp as a marble? I somehow suspect not.

Taylor to Release Greatest Hits Package of Rollin' on the River

Former Rollin' on the River writer Mark Taylor

Invariably, as I make my way around the area, I run into people who know me and recognize me from my days when I was a writer of the weekly column Rollin' on the River. People are always asking me if I'm going to get it going and I always say probably not. This stuff has stuck with me and like an aging rock star with no recent hits, I've decided to release a greatest hits package of some of my best material (in my eyes). Now if your memory is as screwed as mine, these might even appear to be brand new to you. I realize I will have to pick and choose as some stories would have been topical and current at the time but are not even relevant any more.

So to all my fans out there, here's the first installment of the Rollin' on the River Greatest Hits;

December 18, 2007

I enjoy talking to people I don’t know. There are no preconceived notions and all you have to worry about is that dreaded first impression. I was sitting in an eating establishment in Saint John recently and I noticed a chap trucking around and looked to be one of the big shots of the place. He was decked out in the apparel that lead me to believe that, and he was lugging around rolls of change which is a sure sign of authority in such an atmosphere. I was waiting for my grub and figured I would strike up a conversation. Of course, I said, “Are you rocking hard today? His response was something I could have predicted – “Always do man.” You have to have that gut feeling on the people you are talking to. Maybe Larry King should have read this column and use this tip. I saw him interview Kid Rock and he never asked him that question. That would have been the first thing out of my mouth. As I’ve said many times before and it’s worth saying again, “What’s wrong with people?”

What difference does it make what your occupation is when you commit a crime? You know what I’m talking about. Stuff like, “Pig Farmer commits horrific crimes,” or “Bank Manager steals pens.” There’s probably times when it is relevant, but in most cases it is not. If you’re a doctor and you’re running around unplugging hospital equipment, then maybe they should give out what you do for a living. To say, “Captain of softball team responsible for hospital deaths” is kind of distorting the real deal.

Maybe if Michael Vick was a dog psychologist, he may have been able to say that the dogs were his clients and they had to assert themselves and stick up for themselves more. I thought this occupation was bogus when I heard about for the first time. I now think this would be a good racket to get into. You can just keep telling the dog’s owner (also known at the person with the cash) that Tippy needs more help and a few more sessions should do the trick. At least you know Tippy isn’t gonna tell his owner on the way home that you don’t know that the fuckin' idiot don't know squat. Man, this is a license to print money. Giddy up!

I'm just saying.............