The King is Back

Elvis visits Blacks Harbour

St. Andrews Mayor John Craig and the King at Blacks Harbour Freshmart

Blacks Harbour, NB - Elvis Presley is not dead. It was confirmed this morning that he is alive and well and on tour. The King stopped by the Blacks Harbour Freshmart and greeted John Craig, the Mayor of St. Andrews. While there, Craig extended a welcome to the music legend to stop by the Shiretown anytime for a visit.

Kingfishers announce signing of veteran

Kingfishers star Andrew Clark (picture taken by Chris Hoffman)

Blacks Harbour, NB - The Fundy Kingfishers announced the signing of veteran player Andrew Clark. Clark was a member of the Kingfishers early dynasty and played on two FIHL championship teams. Although GM Matty Walsh firmly denies the report, Clark was rumoured to be seeking a position with other clubs before settling with the Kingfishers. In fact, as recent as last Sunday, Clark was supposedly asking the Bonny River Ratz for a contract, something that Walsh says is "Mark Taylor and Joe Stevens propoganda bullshit."

"I had some cap issues and needed to juggle things a bit. Although I never actually announced a contract or tryout for him, we have officially released Mr. Deke Cheney. Also, to say Clark asked Taylor for a job is simply not true. We actually have a couple guys who could make the Ratz, but at this point in the season, it's not Clark," noted Walsh.

Clark expects to be in the line up tonight as the Kingfishers tackle the Milltown Moose in St. Andrews at 8:30.

Ratz continue to roll along

Andrew Moffitt relaxes after the win

Blacks Harbour, NB - Andrew Moffitt made his 2010-2011 season debut and was immediately put on the BIG line with Mark Taylor and Joe Stevens. Moffitt potted a pair of goals as did Jim Buchanan while Stevens and Eric Lee added singles as the Bonny River Ratz downed the Lepreau Pirates 6-3. Keaton McKay replied with a pair in a losing effort while Matt Hatt scored a single for the Pirates.

The win put the Ratz on top of the FIHL standings with a 2-0 record and captain Joe Stevens was vocal about some line up changes made by the rodents. "I understand Greg Justason was upset by some comments made after game 1 and I understand that. I'm not saying he was told to stay home tonight, but certainly plugging Moffitt into the BIG Line paid huge dividends. When a line isn't connecting and one of the pieces gets replaced and it takes off like a dog with turpentine up its ass, anybody can connect those dots. I just want the public to know the Ratz are on a roll here and we're not letting personalities get in the way. If Justason comes back, he may get back on the BIG Line and he may not. It will be a game time decision for sure. This is a business, not a game," noted a very content Stevens.

Walsh shows interest in Outdoor Activities Position

Joe Walsh in his Viagra Ad

Toronto, Ontario, Canada - The news about Jim Buchanan's sudden departure from the Hockey Voice has spread to Toronto. Joe Walsh said he was "shocked" by the move but would love to give outdoor activities a try. "I'm always grabbing a gun and going out on the street hunting. People are used to it now. They used to give me the hairy eyeball at one time. I have a tree stand across the street in a park and every weekend, I'm grabbing a cooler and deer call and hanging out in it," noted Walsh.

No decision has been made and the Hockey Voice is offering no comment.

Picture of Buchanan opens up an investigation

Jack MacNeil

Bonny River, NB - An investigation is under way regarding a Hockey Voice photo of Jim Buchanan with a dead bear. Local Forest Ranger Jack MacNeil says he's consulting with his "people" on whether it is even legal to bait a bear with root beer. MacNeil said, "I heard Buchanan used root beer to bait that bear. Of course, we'd like to meet and talk it over. We are also looking at when the bear was shot and have sought an injunction under the Right to Know Shit Act to determine when the animal was shot and the picture was taken. I think everybody had better chill out; this is a legal matter and I play hockey with Jim, so it's pretty sensitive stuff."

Meanwhile, exiled and former Hockey Voice employee Jim Buchanan said he welcomes the investigation. "Sure, I'd like to get this out in the open. The Hockey Voice likes to print pictures of people and make fun of them and now it looks like I might be doing hard time over this latest one. I'm not saying I'm guilty of anything illegal, you just never know about judges and stuff," noted Buchanan.

Buchanan "let go" from Hockey Voice

Jim Buchanan in happier days

Bonny River, NB - Due to "philosophical differences," the Hockey Voice announced that Jim Buchanan has had his position terminated, effective immediately. Buchanan joined the popular publication last week as director of outdoor activities. Reports are swirling that editor Mark Taylor and Buchanan had a disagreement over a picture that Buchanan refused to allow, saying "it would make him look like a pimp." Taylor denied the report, saying "he wanted Buchanan to merge the rural and urban lifestyles" with a photograph with a newly designed hunting hat.

A replacement has been sought and Taylor said the Voice is inerviewing many great candidates.

MacDougall's Hat Trick Sinks the Moose

Kyle Leslie enjoys post game celebration after scoring the game winner

Justin MacDougall - Ratz Cap Player of the Game

Blacks Harbour, NB - The sting of last year's exit from the FIHL playoffs has worn off and the Bonny River Ratz have rookie sensation Justin MacDougall to thank for it. MacDougall scored all three of his goals in the first period as the Ratz built up a 4-0 lead and coasted to a 6-2 victory over the visiting Milltown Moose. Kyle Leslie scored the winner and Shane Lee and Jim Buchanan each chipped a single for the Ratz. Ryan McGregor and Sean McSorley replied for the Moose. Warren Giesbrecht was very sharp and back-stopped the Ratz between the pipes while J.J. Hyslop suffered the loss.

Before the game, the Ratz held a ceremonial toast to fallen comrade Wayne Barrett who lost his battle with cancer in the summer of 2009. Wayne was a founding member of the team and his teammates have decided to keep his memory alive and keep him in their thoughts throughout the season. Wayne may be gone, but certainly is not forgotten.

After the game, Ratz captain Joe Stevens told MacDougall and fellow rookie and linemate Russell Buchanan to show up for Tuesday's game and to "bring their gear." Stevens also added, "I wouldn't want to have to shoot at Warren (Giesbrecht) all the time. He was solid but MacDougall stole the spotlight with that performance. I think Wayne would be proud of this one and would get a kick out of MacDougall lighting it up. The line of Jim Buchanan, MacDougall and Russell Buchanan certainly shone bright tonight but I might have to make some changes to get scoring from the BIG line."

This comment was apparently directed at Mark Taylor and Greg Justason who are on the BIG line with Stevens. A shaken and stirred Justason met with reporters after the game and offered,"Does it hurt to have Stevens call you out like that? Sure, it does, I'm only human and have feelings. Whose to say that it's not Taylor and I that need the help? I didn't Stevens' name on the scoresheet. Giving MacDougall his 88 jersey is a bullshit way of getting some publicity. We were all there; we know he didn't get squat. I'm getting used to this crap and just let it slide like duct tape off my back."

Ratz Captain on cover of a book about this great country

Joe Stevens (R) on the cover of "A day in the life of Canada"

Groom says "Ratz Team to beat this year"

Longtime Ratz fan Leonard Sinclair shows his approval for his favourite team Kingfishers Captain Greg Groom

Blacks Harbour, NB - Greg Groom has battled many big foe in his time, but he said that this year's version of the Bonny River Ratz may very well take the cake. In a candid interview, the shifty forward was very candid.

"I mean, they already have Taylor and Stevens and now they have added two MORE legitimate, bonafide superstars in Russell Buchanan and Justin MacDougall. Our scouting department didn't see either of these guys on the radar and that proves that maybe they are getting careless and lazy. The Ratz have gotten younger this year and from what I could see last Sunday, a helluva lot faster. Geez, Taylor looked like he had jets on his skates and Stevens? Well, he's already proven he's got great wheels. I think there should be some poop stains in some undies around this league if they don't have them already. Luckily, Matty Walsh does the schedule and we aren't playing them until Nov. 9th. I hope there's not an outbreak of the Ratz flu," added Groom.

2010-2011 FIHL Season set to start Sunday, Oct. 24

The 2010-2011 FIHL season kicks off Sunday with the Blackland Twisters from St. Stephen visiting the Bonny River Ratz at 7:40 p.m. and in the second match, the Lepreau Pirates take on the reigning league champs Fundy Kingfishers at 9:10 p.m.

There are still good seats available for both games.

Buchanan joins Hockey Voice staff as Director of Outdoor Activities

Jim Buchanan's Top 10 Gun Safety Rules
Jim Buchanan gives approval to new appointment

Bonny River, NB - It has been months since the Hockey Voice has hired any new help, but VP of Operations Chris Richardson said, "We felt we needed to add a guy who gives readers something else in addition to the wonderful stories we are already covering. This guy knows the outdoors and I can't think of a better guy for the job than Jim Buchanan."

Buchanan, who was on his way to a meeting noted, "I am excited about this turn of events. I've had my resume into the Hockey Voice for a long time and finally, somebody is listening. I am really busy getting ready for hunting season and stuff but would like to offer up these very important rules for guns; especially when it's that time of year."

Bagley says his officials ready to go this season

FIHL Chief of Officiating Josh "Bags" Bagley at a recent workout

Blacks Harbour, NB - He may be a slight bit heavier but Josh Bagley feels his troops are ready for the challenge of keeping the peace this season. Bagley, one of the most respected and revered officials in the area, has been on a see food diet all summer preparing for the upcoming campaign. Bagley, when asked about his gut, said, "It's not how big it is, it's how you make it big."

Ratz Rookies Make Good First Impression

Russell Buchanan (R) relaxes with VP of Scouting Greg Justason (L)

Newcomer Justin MacDougall

Bonny River, NB - All was positive this morning at Bonny River Ratz headquarters. The Ratz were just coming off an impressive showing against the Fundy Kingfishers and were showcasing their new talent. Russell Buchanan and Justin MacDougall just signed contracts last week and already were joined with Ratz legend Jim Buchanan on the third line.

Captain Joe Stevens noted, "I know Jim would be a good mentor for the boys and show them the ropes. I didn't want to put the pressure on them to play with guys like me and Taylor right away. That will come, but for now - it's all baby steps boys."

Stevens: "Taylor is over-achieving AGAIN!"

Mark Taylor holds his Hat Trick pucks

Blacks Harbour, NB - It may have been pre-season but the air carried a tinge of playoff atmosphere as the Bonny River Ratz took on rivals Fundy Kingfishers. Kingfishers GM Matty Walsh came out with "the best possible team" Sunday night. Walsh said, "The next time I'm doing this, I'm not telling anybody who we are playing. As soon as I said it was the Ratz, the excuses came out like you wouldn't believe. One guy told me his dog was pregnant. I had to bite my lip to ask if he was the father. This is some frustrating. I now the Ratz are good, but we are the league champs and need to behave like it."

Meanwhile, Ratz legend Mark Taylor piled up the goals against a very lacklustre Kingfishers squad. Team captain Joe Stevens noted, "Taylor had a big night, 3 goals and 5 assists, but that's just another day at the office for him. Just to put this in perspective, the last time anybody had an 8 point game was when Mario Lemieux did it April 25, 1989. Before the game, he filled up the water bottles. A guy with 877 (now 880) filling up water bottles? Marinate on that one, boys. Filling water bottles and filling the the net. Looks like he's headed for one of them years and that can't be good for the goalies of this league."

Photo surfaces that Thompson is trying to downplay

Thompson talks to police about Hockey Voice coverage

Kingfishers star Cush Thompson

Blacks Harbour, NB - Cush Thompson's lawyers couldn't prevent a picture of him from appearing in the Hockey Voice. The photo, which came from an anonymous source, shows Thompson in his normal formal attire with his guitar. Thompson fought the release of said photo, stating "it was just another bullshit report by bullshit people."

Meanwhile, Kingfishers GM Matty Walsh said he was not looking at any kind of disclipinary action for Thompson but would like him to "not dress like that around the boys."

Justin Sweeney shows why he's the funniest guy on campus

Stevens helps out the youth in the community

His Royal "Awesomeness" Joseph D. Stevens

Bonny River, NB - The Bonny River Ratz have long been a symbol for what it takes to be awesome but now captain Joe Stevens wants to share it with the kids in the community. "I realize that in life you will encounter many cool people and I've met a few myself. However, the members of this team have taken that another step and that's to be awesome. Sometimes we take guys who are cool and mould them into awesome and really, it's quite a step and the kids should not try this at home. I am working with the kids on a process so that they too will grow up to be awesome. It is regrettable that guys like Matty and Joe Walsh and Shane Smith didn't stick around long enough to be awesome. We really felt they had possibilities. I guess they'll have to settle for being cool or semi-cool."

Things start to leak in Kingfishers ship

Kingfishers GM Matty Walsh

Taken directly from Kingfishers' team manual:

Matty Walsh: Teams of note he has played for - Sr. Silverkings, Kingfishers and Bonny River Ratz.

• Credits Mark Taylor for all his hockey sucesses and notes, "I watched quietly and copied my game after the master. The way he moves around, waits patiently and pounces on the puck like a leopard is what I try to do."
• Coined the phrase, "Hey ref, good game, stop by the room for a beer, eh?"
• Once scored a hattrick against the Ratz without touching the puck.
• Hobbies include dink photography.

Hockey Voice obtains secret files from Kingfishers

Walsh hopes to get injunction to stop release of secret information

Matty Walsh when he played for the Ratz at 2008 Big Show

Bonny River, NB - The Hockey Voice is remaining tight-lipped about documents obtained late Thursday that contain many secrets that the Fundy Kingfishers are trying to keep from the public. According to an unpublished report, it outlines secret deals and player information that Matty Walsh is trying to keep a lid on. Walsh has contacted lawyers in hopes of getting an injunction to stifle the popular hockey publication.

The realease is set for today and will run next week as well if Walsh is not successful in his action. Stay tuned for ALL the details.

Warning! You don't want to be in this position

The Hockey Voice has adopted the stance that being Arica or Michael is not an enviable position to be in. Just reading this opens up way too many questions and no answers. When you find a tooth in your house and you're not the tooth fairy, then there is a huge problem. Is it a man's tooth or a woman's tooth? Is is a human tooth?

This problem is like the guy who asks his buddy when he started wearing women's panties and he says "When my wife found a pair in the glove box."

I think Michael may be able to joke this one off by saying, "Aw, you lost a tooth? Here's a couple bucks for ya."

It's hard to say not knowing.

Walsh asks Taylor for help

Walsh to send Harris in for a consultation

Blacks Harbour, NB - In light of recent troubles in Kingfishers land, team GM Matty Walsh asked Mark Taylor if he could find something in New York that might help their organization. Walsh has been at odds with future FIHL hall of famer Jamie Harris over parties and personnel issues.

Walsh noted, " I know Taylor doesn't owe me any favours, but I figured that if he were in New York, he may find out some little thing to help a fella out. He's found the perfect thing too. I am sending Harris on an an attitude adjustment consultation in hopes that he will come back a changed man. I have my balls crossed on this one."

Taylor meets the actual Statue of Liberty

Statue of Liberty welcomes Mark Taylor to New York

If there's trouble around, the Hockey Voice is there

Unnamed man calls Hockey Voice reporter "Captain America"
TGIF waitress reacts to profane tirade by unhappy patron
Patron converses with Torontonians about the preceived discrimination

New York, NY - It was a quiet stroll around the city on a Sunday afternoon by Hockey Voice reporter Mark Taylor. Having never been in to a TGIF Friday's the roving reporter stopped by to sample the goods.

Two students from Toronto were seated at the bar beside Taylor when a guy moves in and starts talking about discrimination he had just experienced. He noted his bladder was completely full and wanted some relief and went to the restaurant's bathroom to do so. The verbal assault was laden with profanity and even remarks about the reporter. He said, "You take Captain America here. He could walk in and have a piss and nobody would say a word. Me, I walk in and they ask me if I'm a customer or not. That's bullshit, man!"

Taylor explained that he wasn't from America and couldn't technically have that title. The upset man continued until the waitress told him to shut his mouth or get out and it appeared she didn't graduate with a good mark in how to be tactful either.

The incident ended peacefully as the man guzzled his beer and left but still had lots to say on his way out of the facility. He still felt that Taylor could piss anywhere at any time and not suffer any consequences. This was not put to the test.

Taylor in New York for high level secret meetings

Stevens: "I told Taylor that if anybody can help the club, talk to them"

Tall, lanky defenseman who sees all of the ice
Taylor talks to goalie who "covers the top part of the net well"

Bonny River, NB - Although many details are slowly filtering down, many players on the Ratz are feeling a little threatened by Mark Taylor's sudden trip to New York over the weekend. One in particular is Ratz star goalie Warren Giebrecht. The star noted, "I thought I had the job nailed down and now I hear Mark Taylor was caught on camera with my possible replacement. How do you expect me to react? I'm saddened by the news. They look like a bunch of nuts to me but what else would you expect to see?"

Carl Chambers was another who voiced his opinion of the trip. He said, "Taylor and Stevens are obviously both in on this whole thing. I saw the picture of the blue defenseman with the big buggy eyes. This is the type of people those two are most comfortable with. If this guy is in the room when we drop the puck, I'll be looking to play elsewhere. We have enough guys now that I can't understand half the time, we don't need more of them."

Meanwhile, Joe Stevens was quick and to the point. "I told Taylor that if he sees anybody who can help the club, go talk to them. If that means Giesbrecht and Chambers are out, so be it. You're either with us, or you're against us," noted a very frustrated Stevens.